Just enough to restore my sanity...

That's all I was asking for, and it came overnight, a tiny little swell, but glassy and green, and enough to surf with my friends. Well, except for Karen, who had to work the cafe. This little bit of a respite was what I needed, to restore what sanity I still possess. After yesterday's swift punch to the gut, and subsequent melodramatic meltdown, I needed something. My sensei responded to my late afternoon call with his usual calm focus and guidance, as I walked alone on the beach. "Devil, the best way to make God laugh is to make plans."

I had received the dreaded call as I left work, still in my happy bubble of illusion that I would soon be ESE certified and on my way to a real paying job. There were only two seats left in the program, the director's secretary informed me. I signed up, do you hear me? She had told me I was in, that she was even bending the rules for me since I was late to jump aboard. She liked it that I seemed so driven and enthusiastic. I HAD SIGNED UP, REGISTERED, SENT MONEY, AND ...

But, read the finest of fine print and jump through the fiftieth hoop I had not.

That stupid math CLAST caught up with me, finally. My new test score would never make it time, she said. "Sorry, it is first come, first serve, and we had a glut of entries this week."

So, my sensei said, without a pause, "Be the stick, not the salmon." OMG, WTF? He then explained to me that it is much better, sometimes, to ride the stream, rather than swim against it. I am so tired of swimming upstream, I sighed.

Junior Devil had come to my rescue earlier, had caught me at THE moment of impact. She did it again, saved me, with her calm assurance that quite possibly this was a gift. A GIFT? Yes, because I may have saved myself much unecessary stress, time, and dinero, not to mention my summer break. Quite possibly, and we will not know until Monday, I can take the subject area exam, and if I pass, be granted full access to the throne, and three years in which to jump through all the hoops and complete the classes.

And then, we went to dinner, and Matt even picked up the tab. Nearly all was restored with a little help from my friends.

So, this morning, after not much sleep, and crazy dreams (I was being driven off a cliff again), there they were. Little waves.

Andy was standing at the overlook at Summerhaven, his cell phone in his hand. As I pulled up, he was smiling, "I was just about to call you!" It wasn't much, but it was clean and warm. This was the first day I paddled out without a wetsuit. What fun we had! We caught a million of those little peelers. Andy did a coffin, and paddled back out laughing, telling us how he had seen the curtain of water spilling over his face as he lay on his back. All too soon it got crowded, but everyone was mellow and smiling. Glenn, Andy, and I talked story, and hooted at each other's stylin' moves HA! on the funboards. I came in after two hours, after the tide's drop took the push away. It felt so good, to sit in the sun, to look out at the surfers having fun in the green and glassy ocean, to breathe again, and to NOT have somewhere I absolutely had to be.

Maybe I will be the stick for awhile. I won't plan to be in New Zealand by August, or have a regular paying job by fall. Maybe I will just move slowly in that direction, and see what happens...