Goodbye, Stimpy

I came home from work yesterday, and fed Stimpy like always. Only today, something went wrong.

He bent down to his dish, and suddenly it was as if a rattlesnake bit him. He flew up into the air and against the wall, his feet running as fast as he could ever run, except for one thing. He was sideways, on the ground. He propelled himself along the floor, against the wall, as I watched, helpless. I fell apart. He ended up in the middle of the floor, trembling, as I cried and raced for a towel to cover him with. I could only think that I needed to stop him from being hurt. His eyes were dilated, and some liquid shimmered on the floor.

How sudden, how horrifying, this.

I hope he didn't realize it. I hope he was not in too much pain. I didn't want his last hour on earth to be like this.

Last night, as I held him in my lap, as I have the last few days, I actually thought I was making a mistake. How could I be thinking about putting him down? He seemed to be making a comeback. He had been performing some amazingly playful antics, batting around his toys on the shiny wood floor like a skilled hockey pro. His fur seemed to be getting shiny again. I started wondering if we could stall the inevitable.

But, death does this.

Just before it comes knocking, it seems to give you a certain, small, wonderful reprieve. I saw this with my mom before she died. As bad as she had become in hospice, the nurses said it happens. You get this little fake-out, and you think maybe things will be okay after all. But, deep inside, I think we know we are just fooling ourselves. We wish that the world could be like a fairy tale, happy endings and all that.

I drove to the vet, with him cradled in my arms, his frightened eyes watching the trees moving furiously past... and as I write this, my mom's favorite song is playing, how odd this! And I know, I know. There is something more. We cannot understand it. That is impossible. We just have to keep going, until it is our time. And, none of us know when that time will be. We have to live everyday, and not worry about the stupid stuff that we seem to think is so important. What is important is to love those around you, and make the most of every single moment. Because really, in this life... can we agree? That's what really counts.